Ups AND Downs.

Work from 0745h - 1700h today.
There's this 26 years-old colleague who applied for flat with his gf.
I asked him, how long have they been together, he said he doesn't know, because they broke off for 1 or 2 years once, plus some other little breakups here and there.
It suddenly strike me that, if two are meant to be, eventually it just works out.
Perhaps Lionel is right.
I am only 21.
I am not mature enough to handle a relationship that can last all the way till marriage (Supposedly, 2016).
But it really saddens me that things turn out this way.
It hurts me, alot.

Then there's this 24 years-old guy who has been with his gf for 6 years.
He said it's not easy to walk till this stage.
They quarrelled, and still quarrel.
But, they talk things out and solve their problems.
And he has plans to marry his gf, who is his first love.

I feel so lonely without you.
I am trying so hard to not think.
But I can't.
I wanna call my friends up, but I know I should disturb them no more.

My bus rides are so lonely now.
Because I know I can't message you saying how cold I am anymore.
Still, I miss you telling me that you are sorry for not being to ride with me and to protect me from the cold with your hugs.
Now, all I do is to stare blank on the bus journeys, missing you.

I really really miss you a lot do you know?
I feel terrible.
I hate myself for thinking of you every little second.
And I hate myself even more for thinking that I will spot you somewhere.

This morning, I saw someone who looks like you from far.
The dressing, the Crumpler bag that you have.
My heart stopped beating for a moment, and then I told myself it can't you.
Worse, I start imagining that you will surprise me at my workplace, coming to send me home.
And if you don't, I tell myself that you are at my house downstairs.

I hate myself.
I really do.
I don't know why am I thinking of this, and of that, when I know it's not right and I should just stop it.


Fcuk.